I like putting ice cubes in my cereal. Especially during summer. People seem to think that putting ice cubes in your cereal is disgusting and morally wrong. I don’t know why, but they do. 

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I’ve acted in movies (though I won’t tell you which ones) and once I almost directed one, but I got kicked out of the director’s seat when the producer found out I wasn’t a Scientologist. Turns out you can burn a lot of bridges in the film industry by either not being a Scientologist or insulting a Scientologist (and when you’ve been in the business as long as I have, trust me, you’re going to piss in some Scientologist’s cereal at some point) so I’ve lost a lot of opportunities because of Scientology. Hollywood is like that.

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I’m not saying I hate Scientologists. I’m just saying that I’ve had a lot of problems with them.

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People have a lot of problems with me, too. It’s probably because I’ve been in movies and they haven’t. I also don’t tan well. Sometimes I drink too much. And in 2011 when Jack “Dr. Death” Kevorkian died and I Tweeted that I thought he wasn’t as bad as people said he was, I had an angry mob on Twitter calling me “a supporter of eugenics and government-approved murder” and a few pro-lifers who knew that I donated to Planned Parenthood said that it wasn’t surprising that I’d support someone like Kevorkian, and a few sent me death threats, because, y’know, this is Twitter. I just thought Kevorkian was a well-meaning egomaniac who actually had some good ideas about how, if you’re suffering from a truly debilitating illness, you should have the option of ending your life in a humane, painless way. But the Twitter crowd didn’t see it my way. I’m just glad this happened back in 2011 instead of today. Cancel culture has gotten a lot more vicious since then.

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If people knew my real name and that I put ice cubes in my cereal, the Twitter crowd would probably try to cancel me.

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I won’t tell you my real name, but I’ll tell you this much—you’ve probably seen me naked on the Internet. You’ve probably seen most actors naked on the Internet. Most people in Hollywood (actors, actresses, directors, producers) have nude photos out there (if you just look hard enough). Most normal people look up these nudes for masturbatory purposes, but most Hollywood people look up the nudes of other Hollywood people just so they can see what they’re competing with. I once knew a director (one of the ancient, big names in the Industry) who’d filled an entire filing cabinet with the nudes of directors from all over the world. He was very jealous of Martin Scorsese’s chest hair. 

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Hollywood is like family. Everyone’s seen everyone else naked, and half of us are Scientologists.

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I’ve learned to not trust people. I don’t share my real name online any more, I’ve deleted my official Twitter account, and the only person who knows about how I eat my cereal is my cat. My cat, fortunately, is not a Scientologist. 

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My favorite cereal is Lucky Charms. The ice cubes keep the marshmallows from getting soggy, and it keeps the actual cereal from getting soggy, too. No matter the cereal, ice cubes will keep your milk cool, your cereal crisp, and when you drink the last of the milk you’ll have some nice ice cubes to chew on (or suck on if you have less-refined taste). It’s perfection. But if anyone online knew that I enjoyed my cereal this way, they’d harass me and call me a troglodyte or a philistine or the worst thing since Hitler. But at least my cereal isn’t soggy.

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If you’re a Scientologist and you happen to be reading this, I hope you haven’t “donated” too much money to your “church.”

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I’ve seen Martin Scorsese’s chest hair. It wasn’t that impressive (or intimidating).

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I haven’t been on Twitter in a while. It’s not that I’m scared to. I’m just tired.

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The next time you have cereal, add an ice cube or two. Trust me, you’ll love it.