[from page 1] 

Jonathan Lawyerson was having one hell of a night. 

After successfully acquitting the local police officers from a crime they may or may not have committed, he found himself sucking back a third Makers on the rocks when the sexy yet intelligent Gloria Attornington saddled up next to him at the bar.

"You just don't know when to quit, do you," she said with a laugh, signaling to the bartender with a flash of her legal-sized redwell. 

"Objection – leading the witness," Jonathan replied, and they both laughed lawyerly. 

*

[from page 22]

Things hadn't been going Lawyerson's way for quite a while. And now, having lost the big case against the corporation that manufactured other corporations, it felt as though his job – and reputation – were hot on the line.

The partners had called him in for a private meeting. He greeted them at the door, shaking hands with each puffed-up white-haired blowhard.

"We expect those employed at this firm to have a handshake that's a bit more...firm," said Christopher Legalese, who was also a Senator.

The group laughed heartily. Lawyerson's heart sank. His days as a lawyer were through…

 …or were they? 

*

[from page 53]

"Counselor, I'd like to see you in my quarters," said Judge Stern.

"And I'd like to see you give this man a fair trial!" retorted Lawyerson, exasperated.

The courtroom froze. Even the world outside held its collective breath.

Judge Stern's eyes grew wide, as he cleared his throat.

"Sustained," said the Judge, settling back into his chair. "By God, sustained."

Jonathan gave a deep sigh. In the courtyard, the birds continued their endless hunt for worms.

* 

[from page 103]

"And I want you home by 11 o'clock, young lady."

"Dad," said Chloe, with a roll of her eyes.

"Fine – 11:30," said Jonathan.

He kissed his seventeen-year-old daughter's nubile forehead, and let out a deep sigh. All these years he'd been an attorney at law…perhaps it was time to become an attorney at life.

Chloe ran out the front door to join her friends in the waiting car. Jonathan sighed, and then he turned into a vampire.

Yes, that's right: Jonathan Lawyerson was also a vampire.

*

[from page 214]

Jonathan Lawyerson, Vampire Attorney, had been in a number of jams over the years. But this time – trapped inside of the ancient pyramid and staring face to face with a haunted mummy – was a whole different kind of jam. Hell, it was practically marmalade.

Jonathan stared down the mummy. He needed a clue, and fast.

Wait a second.

Clue...Klux...

The mummy was a member of the Ku Klux Klan!

He had figured out the secret of the pharaoh’s tomb. But was there enough time left for it to matter?

It was a jam, alright. And Jonathan needed to make sure he didn't wind up as jam's companion: toast.

*

[from page 266]

Gloria Attornington blew out the candles. The pot roast had long grown cold. And Jonathan Lawyerson was nowhere in sight.

Where the hell was he?

Just then, her phone rang. Gloria checked the screen, and felt a quiver in her nether regions.

It was Sebastian Erection.

Sebastian, of course, was the wealthy billionaire philanthropist with a strange sexual kink: he could only achieve orgasm by having his testicles coated in maple syrup and putting his penis through the center of a warm pancake.

Still: Jonathan had stood her up. Gloria bit her lip, tousled her hair, and answered the phone.

"Hello?"

Silence. In the background, she could hear the sounds of a flat-top griddle, gurgling to life.

Josh Lefkowitz was born and raised in the suburbs of Detroit, and received an Avery Hopwood Award for Poetry at the University of Michigan. His writing has been published in The New York Times, Washington Square Review, Electric Literature, Rattle, Hobart, Barrelhouse, Great Ape, Funicular, and many other places. After seventeen years of living in NYC, he recently relocated to Boulder, Colorado.