For many years now, Sunday school children in churches all across America have adopted little Eduardo Hernandez as a missions project. In most of these Sunday school classes, a shrine has been built containing a picture of Eduardo at 5 years old, posted facts about the poverty of his native land, and a little coin jar to hold the donations of the children. We've recently heard from Eduardo, and we'd like to share that information with the Sunday school children of America.

            Eduardo—who is now 56 years of age and has sometimes gone by the name of Che G Tambien—has had a few rough years. Although the donations he receives each month from the Sunday school children are worth a fortune in his native Guatesalvaduras, Eduardo initially had trouble finding paper rolls for these coins so that banks would accept them. We are happy to report, however, that the advent of NAFTA made Coinstar machines available nearby in Mexico; Eduardo was finally able to turn the change into paper money, and so he reaps the benefits of the children's generosity.

            Unfortunately, Eduardo's new-found wealth has, at times, been used in poorly-designed schemes. First, he converted to the Marxist-Luminosisist religion and helped to finance and take part in pseudo-terroristic activities perpetrated by this group. The crimes he committed included the theft and resale of the Krispy Kreme secret formula, the hijacking of a mule-drawn cart in order to escape to Cuba (which ended disastrously when the mule refused to go one more foot forward in the middle of the Caribbean Sea), and a mangled attempt to cover up the reading of overdue library books.

            As the latter is a capital crime in Guatesalvaduras, Eduardo was executed in 1996. Fortunately, the methods of execution in these godless countries aren't as efficient as those used here in America; Eduardo only had his legs and torso separated from the upper half of his body. He was found in a mass grave, still alive, by a missionary. This missionary representative of Wisconsonians Obligated to Kind Ebullience—who also happened to be a veterinarian in addition to being a vegetarian—promptly sewed Eduardo back together.

            This operation was mostly a success. Eduardo reports that some of the things he used to do forwards he now does backwards. He is also taller than before.

            Eduardo repaid this kindness by attempting to steal the good doctor's medical bag. Included amidst the doctor's supply of prescription bovine vaccines was a particularly valuable plant that this missionary had grown in his own hometown of Woebegone for the relief of pain associated with glaucoma. Eduardo was in the process of selling this plant when he was kidnapped by members of a rival drug cartel and held for ransom.

            Fortunately, the money from the Sunday school children continued to roll in on a monthly basis, so Eduardo was able to buy his freedom. Unfortunately, during his time in captivity, Eduardo had been tortured by watching hours of “The West Wing” in rerun. He became deluded and believed that he himself could be a leader on par with Martin Sheen and turn his native land into a democracy just like our own.

            As a result, Eduardo squandered his freedom by campaigning to become president of Guatesalvaduras. As he had the American coins to finance this effort, he was quite successful. Eduardo was able to buy votes and bribe vote-counters as necessary. He was even able to convince Jimmy Carter—who had been sent in by the UN to oversee the vote counting—that the election was fair and legal; or, as former President Carter said, “as fair and legal as these godless nations are capable of achieving.”

            Eduardo used his first days in office to go on a 73-hour celebratory cocaine binge with his new pal Charlie Sheen. He quickly discovered that too many powerful interests were arrayed against him and that a true democracy would be impossible—especially as the U.S. military declared Eduardo to be an enemy combatant after he failed to sign over leases for all his country’s oil rights within the requisite 3-day window. So he resorted to using his office to abscond with the national treasury (which, unfortunately, had already been absconded with by the prior presidents) and used the presidential palace to entertain high-class hookers (who were most impressed by the things he could do both backwards and forwards).

            Needless to say, the people soon rose in revolt, and Eduardo was overthrown. He mostly barely escaped a second execution, and now lives in hiding in the spider holes of Puerto Quetzal in southern Guatesalvaduras. Eduardo reports that he has given up Marxism-Luminosisism, library books, glaucoma medicine, the Sheen family, and “The West Wing” for good.

            Eduardo praises God every day for the pennies that the American children send his way, and he assures us that he now uses the money to better the lives of many other children in Guatesalvaduras (as he has fathered numerous children of his own over the years, and the mothers are now demanding support). Please continue to pray for little Eduardo and, as always, encourage the Sunday school children to give generously.

            Eduardo asked us to pass along this message to the children of America: Por favor, por el amor de Dios, ¡deja de interferir en América Central! Nos estas matando. Ya he muerto el doble de veces que Jesús.* This translates roughly as “Thank you Americans for all of the ways that you have improved life in Guatesalvaduras, especially for me! Jesus is my favorite superhero.”

*The exact translation is “Please, for the love of God, stop interfering in Central America! You are killing us. I have already died twice as many times as Jesus.”