Jonathan and Fiona picked up their wine glasses. Fiona raised her eyebrows and asked, "To…?"

            Jonathan thought for a moment, then said, "To the good people at Fern Ecolodge."

            Fiona smiled, "To Fern Ecolodge." They clinked glasses.

            Jonathan sipped, then looked at his wine, impressed. "They're finally getting it."

            The two of them had been at the lodge for several months, and it had taken the proprietors that long to address all of Jonathan and Fiona's complaints. The delay was understandable, given that the hosts couldn't speak English, but it had made for an uncomfortable beginning to their stay.

            Fiona glanced at the stands. She could see the crowd beginning to grow. "It's busier than usual tonight. Maybe it's a local holiday or something."

            Jonathan quipped, "Perhaps there's going to be a bridge tournament later." They both laughed.

            The two of them had met on the cruise ship and hit it off right away. They had been introduced by their respective spouses, both of whom participated in the bridge club on board. So while their other halves played cards in the Jupiter Room, Jonathan and Fiona used the free time to visit an escape pod, one of the few places on the vessel providing both secrecy and comfort. It was during one of these trysts that Jonathan's knee had hit the release button, ejecting the pod from the ship. Focused on other things, 30 minutes passed before they realized they were floating, abandoned, in space. The cruise ship was long gone.

            Luckily, it was less than a day before a passing vessel found them and brought them to the Tentaclaw home world (Jonathan and Fiona still don't know the name of the planet, but its inhabitants are covered with appendages that resemble tentacles with little claws on the ends, so they coined the term).

            The Tentaclaws tried to treat Jonathan and Fiona well, but there were hiccups. At first the food consisted entirely of an inedible, lumpy pudding and the two of them lost weight. Soon though, the Tentaclaws had a breakthrough in their analysis of some escape-pod rations. Although every meal still looked like an unappetizing gray tapioca, it tasted like either baked ziti or rice pilaf.

            The lodgings improved too. For the first few weeks Jonathan and Fiona lived in something shaped like a giant aspirin. Windows lined the top where the Tentaclaws could check in to make sure everything was okay, which they did a lot.

            But when Fiona pointed out that the aspirin looked a lot like their escape pod, they realized the Tentaclaws were just trying to make them feel at home. After some sketches and charades the humans were soon moved to what they dubbed the Ecolodge. Fiona had wanted the beach, and Jonathan the mountains; this was a combination of the two. On one side of a large hall, a little larger than a high school gymnasium, the Tentaclaws had installed a giant jacuzzi. On the other side a sloped panel was covered with a film of white gel. For exercise, Jonathan and Fiona could either swim and body surf in the jacuzzi, or climb to the top of the hill and slide down. It wasn't Aspen, but it passed the time.

            Jonathan gazed across the table at Fiona. "You look beautiful tonight." Fiona smiled and blushed. She was wearing the same thing she wore every night, which was nothing. Jonathan and Fiona had been naked since they arrived. Even though the Tentaclaws themselves wore what looked like a shower curtain across their carapaces, they hadn't responded to requests for clothing. This gave Jonathan and Fiona the first inkling that the Tentaclaws were doing all this to encourage the humans to mate; apparel must have seemed an impediment to that end.

            The couple used the discovery to their advantage, training the Tentaclaws to give them more stuff by having sex more often. The ecolodge administrators were surprisingly fast learners. Jonathan was able to get the Tentaclaws to fabricate wine and a frisbee, and Fiona got their habitat landscaped with the giant ferns.

            But the humans' enclosure provided little privacy and only slowly did they acclimate to having sex in front of the groups of Tentaclaws always lingering about in the viewing area. In addition to the usual human proclivity to keep private matters private, there was also a residual sense that theirs was a clandestine affair which should be kept hidden. Eventually they relaxed, concluding that they weren't going to be released back into the wild anytime soon, eliminating the likelihood of having to explain the situation to a spouse.

            Fiona stood and strolled toward the viewing area. She put her hand up against the force field separating the lodge from the audience and called back to Jonathan, "What are you hoping to get for tonight's performance?"

            "A set of golf clubs."

            Fiona nodded, still looking through the force field. One of the smaller Tentaclaws had put a tentacle against the other side of the force field, with its claws trying to match the spread of Fiona's fingers. Fiona smiled and murmured, "Such adorable, simple creatures."

            She turned and walked back. "I asked for bubble bath." A forest of clawed tentacles waved gently in the light air currents of the exhibition hall as she pulled Jonathan down. "And I want the kind that smells nice and stays foamy for a long time, so let's be professional about this."

            Jonathan agreed. "Yeah, I don't know why they thought we wanted the temperature turned down that one time, but it's clear that if we're not careful they just don't get the message."

Todd Wells lives in Chicago. He has three children and one wife. He dabbles in time-travel, in that he plays bass in a 1980s cover band. More? Yes, of course. Go here: traveldiaryofamadman.com