I. THE MONSTER UNDER THE BED

            After saying her prayers one evening, a girl turned off the lamp on her nightstand and pulled her blankets to her chin. But before she could fall asleep, she heard a noise beneath her bed.

            The girl hid beneath her blankets, but the noises continued. She imagined the monsters that might be under her mattress—terrible demons with claws and sharp teeth amid the dolls and board games she stored beneath the bed.

            She kept a flashlight under her pillow in case of emergencies, and she grabbed the flashlight. Quickly, bravely, she shone the light beneath the bed.

            “Who are you?” she screamed at the monster.

            It wasn’t a monster, however. It was a bearded man who wore a robe and leather sandals.

            “It’s me, Jesus. I’m watching over you while you sleep.”

            Jesus found a box among the girl’s playthings and pushed the box toward the girl.

            “Want to play checkers?”

            So they turned the lights on and set up the checkerboard. For the rest of the night, they played checkers together, and they gossiped about the boys in the girl’s Sunday school class—especially the preacher’s son, who was as dreamy as he was pious.

II. HEADLIGHTS IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR

            A young woman drove home one evening after her church’s Wednesday night Bible study. It was very dark out, and the highway was empty except for some headlights behind her.

            The car that followed approached quickly. The woman slowed to let the car pass her, but the other car came frighteningly close to her rear bumper and started flashing its high beams.

            The woman glanced in her rearview mirror. The car continued to trail her closely, and when she looked away from the mirror, the high beams flashed once again.

            Fortunately, she soon reached town. In the parking lot in front the Christian bookstore, she saw a police car. She veered into the parking lot as the other car followed, and after exiting her vehicle, she shouted at the policeman.

            “A car is following me, and it keeps flashing its headlights!”

            The police officer understood the seriousness of this matter. He drew his weapon and approached the other car, which was stopped then as well. The policeman pulled the driver out of the vehicle and handcuffed him immediately. He told the driver, “Don’t you know that it’s illegal to scare people by flashing your headlights at them?”

            The suspect turned to the woman. He said, “I think I saw Jesus in your back seat. I was trying to get a good look at him, so I kept flashing my headlights.”

            Together, the woman and the policeman opened the door to her car. Sure enough, Jesus was in the back seat.

            “I was keeping you safe as you drove home,” explained Jesus.

            Everyone had a good laugh, and the suspect was released. When the woman made it home, she and Jesus stayed up late playing checkers, and the woman told Jesus about the totally hilarious thing Joanna said at Bible study.

III. THE MAN WITH THE HOOK

            On a summer night, a teenage boy drove his girlfriend to an overlook just beyond the city limits. They parked in a secluded spot, and after turning the radio on, they started kissing each other’s faces. They were considering French-kissing when the radio music was interrupted by a news bulletin.

            “This is an emergency bulletin,” said the announcer. “Earlier this evening, a psychopathic murderer escaped from the local prison. This man is extremely dangerous. He has a hook on one hand. You should be very careful if you’re outside tonight—especially if you’re somewhere secluded.”

            The girl was scared and asked to be taken home. The boy wasn’t worried, though. He said, “C’mon, baby—let’s face-kiss some more.”

            Just then, they heard a sound. They looked at the window and saw a man in prison stripes tapping the glass with his hook.

            The teenagers started to scream. “We’re going to die!” said the boy, but the girl, who was a member of her church’s youth group, prayed for Jesus to save her.

            Suddenly, another man jumped out of the bushes. He was wearing robes and sandals and had a glorious brown beard.

            “It’s Jesus!” exclaimed the girl.

            The teenagers watched as Jesus fought with the murderer. But although Jesus was the son of God, he was no match for the murderer, who stabbed Jesus with the hook and killed him.

            The murderer walked up to the window again, but before he could hurt the teenagers, Jesus resurrected himself and grabbed the psychopathic murderer by the shoulder. But the hook man only sneered at Jesus.

            “I have a hook,” said the psychopathic murderer. “There’s no way you can defeat me.”
            “Oh yeah?” said Jesus. “Well, I can turn water into wine.”

            The murderer laughed. “That won’t help you.”

            “Don’t be so sure about that,” said Jesus. “Your body is seventy percent water.”

            At that moment, seventy percent of the psychopathic murderer turned into wine, and he died of acute alcohol poisoning.

            Jesus spoke to the teenagers.

            “Why was your car parked on this overlook at eight o’clock on a Friday evening?”

            “Um,” said the teenagers.

            “I hope you weren’t thinking about French-kissing or something. Instead, why don’t you play checkers?”

            Jesus handed them a checkerboard, and they played a few games of checkers together, which the teenagers agreed was definitely better than French-kissing. Afterwards, Jesus drove them home, and they made it back well before their ten o’clock curfew.

Casey McConahay is a Pushcart Prize-nominated author and a graduate of Miami University’s MFA program. He lives in northwest Ohio.

Art by Phillip Orué